He who Wrestles Angels

I'm proud to be an American, cause at least I know I'm weird!

OK, this just made me too happy.

This is awesome fun!

"It really tied the room together, did it not?"

Holy singing batman!

Just something to offset the theology

By Rainer Maria Rilke

God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
Then walks with us silently out of the night.

These are the words we dimly hear:

 You, sent out beyond your recall,
Go to the limits of your longing,
Embody me.

 Flare up like flame
And make big shadows I can move in.

 
Let everything happen to you; beauty and terror.
Just keep going.  No feeling is final.
Don’t let yourself lose me.

 
Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.

Give me your hand.

the kitten's name is Rilo (after the band Rilo Kiley) and he's tiny tiny tiny...omg squeeeeeeeeee...and I lerv him so much

he squeaks when he walks and purrs loudly, and is currently sleeping on my chest.

This is the best breakup present ever!

I didn't name him btw.  More later

I'm getting a kitten TODAY!!!

Squeeee!

The Sweater by Meryn Cadell (the person who is ftm I mentioned in a prior post)

This might just mean something only to bryophyte 

Remember the performer Meryn Cadell?  She produced this awesome album full of cool songs back in the early 90's.

Well I was adding her to my Itunes tonight and I googled her out of curiosity to see if she was still alive.

She is not still alive but HE is!

Meryn Cadell is ftm and has transitioned into living life as a man full time.  This feels so good to me, and a sort of vindication or something of sorts.

Anyway, if you google the name you'll find a picture of him.

AMAZING!

He also has a livejournal...I think just meryncadell.livejournal.com

You could friend him

This just might have been interesting for Carol, for those who don't know the album Angelfood For Thought...you really should, and I can burn you a copy or something.

What I want to do for my birthday.

Two years ago, when Carol and I first moved here we spent my birthday sitting on the couch watching The Big Lebowski and eating junk food.  What is the Dude about if not bowling?

And so for my birthday I want to go bowling!

YAY!

Who's with me?  Friday September 14th we will go bowling somewhere in Chicago!  The BEST bowling alley in the fair windy city!

Have you ever seen a squirrel poop?

Today I successfully survived my first tattoo!

I will have pictures in a few days, but let me paint a picture for you all out there in LJ land.

songquake and I made it to the tattoo parlour on time (Deluxe Tattoo on Irving Park near Clark for the Chicagoans) and immediately the tattoo artist working on me took the print out of my tattoo and put it on transfer paper.  We placed it and started the tattooing a mere 15 minutes after I arrived. 

I will admit that I freaked out just a little before he started and had to psych myself out a little bit and do some deep breathing, but soon I was on the table with my legs dangling off, and the tattoo begun.  It didn't really hurt very much at all.  I think I said something like "You've gotta be kidding me?" or something when he started.  Beth (that'd be Songquake) could tell you maybe exactly what I said but it something to the effect of "Well, hell, that barely hurts at all.  Why the heck are people always whining about how much this hurts?!?"

Granted I could understand it a bit better in the later part of the tattoo when he was filling things in.

Beth was an almost perfect tattoo companion and moral supporter.  What would you expect from someone who's a chaplain for a living?  She held my hand, pet my back, said kind things to keep me calm and reminded me to breathe when I wasn't.

I kept comparing the pain to other things and talking about how the tattoo hurt less than getting waxed, laser hair removal, blood drawn, scratched and many other things. It felt like getting scratched a lot, like a sun burn sort of, nothing too awful.

After about an hour and a half I had a Chartres Labyrinth permanently etched onto my leg.  It looks amazing and I'm really awesomely happy with it.  It was worth the minor pain thus far.

(As an utter and complete non-sequitur.  I'm listening to Pandora and a Madeleine Payeoux song came on where she mentions Ashtabula.  I was wondering if there was another Ashtabula other than the one outside of Cleveland the county east of my parents.  Indeed there is not, and so the Ashtabula mentioned in many standards of the past and present is the very same that I've driven thru a number of times and hung out in a couple as well)

Back to the tattoo.  As I said there will be pictures soon! YAY! pictures.  Until then I'm going to go color with Elena.

I've been noticing lately that the more I pass as male on sight alone, the more I feel effected by people who mistake my gender on the phone.

Yesterday I got a call from a creditor.  It wasn't the fact that she was being overly polite that made want to track her down and smack her upside the head with my packing penis, it was more the fact that she started the phone call with "Hello, Mrs. M. this is Susie from ___ Credit services."

And I was like:

A.  Not my mother, not married. Thank you.
B.  I know you can't hear this over the phone but I look like my brother, and everyone who knows me personally uses male pronouns at this point.
C. I'm on-call.  Thus dealing with far more important things than what I owe some hospital for something that my crappy insurance doesn't cover.  (OK, honestly I was playing Scrabble online at that point, but regardless).

Then just now I was on the phone with Michael from Dependacare trying to set up an appointment so my sleep apnea can finally be treated and I can get enough sleep.  He kept referring to me as "Ma'am" every two words.  My skin began to crawl.  I wanted to correct him.  I wanted to sound like a man.

Now I know this is just politeness, and not some attempt to slight me or my gender identity.  But I'm feeling extremely bothered by it. I should probably post in the ftm community asking for suggestions on how to handle this or something.  But if I'm living my daily life as a masculine individual and being referred to and about as male than I really would like that to be cohesive.

I've been in conflict about whether or not to take testosterone for many reasons, but one of the main reasons is because of my singing voice.  I don't mean to be egotistical, but I have a beautiful soprano voice, and I'm afraid to lose that gift.  But with my singing voice also comes a speaking voice which is distinctly non-male, and so here's the issue.  Can I sublimate my feelings of disgust and sheer "wrongness" at being referred to as "Ma'am" or "She" or "Ms."?  Or do I start testosterone coping with my uncertainty slowly but surely?

This is one of those times that I wish my body was born "normal" like other peoples. That I was a "normal" man or woman, and not something inherently inbetween.  Of course I also love my inbetweenness.

Conflicted? Yes, indeed.

I have found that these posts are better when numbered for ease of use and commenting.

1. I *heart* this weather.  Cool and rainy.  I'm not sweating to death and the sun is appropriately hiding behind a blanket of clouds.  It makes me want to go out cloudbathing.

2.  I have been having Period From Hell for the last few days.  I will bear you all from the gorey details, but let's say that yesterday I could barely leave the bed because of cramps and I have been an emotional wreck (as lovessong and songquake could attest to).  Thankfully I think it's almost over and there's no more craziness.  I still find it ironic and annoying that I can pass as a dude for the most part, most of the time but I still get to have my funfun sillywilly periods.  I did pick up my very own heating pad yesterday...which helped immensally

3.  Today was my pentultimate appointment with my present therapist.  At the end she said "Next week will be our termination session."  To which I promptly replied "where we will battle to the death!"  She quickly retorted "I'll make sure they have the lances available for the joust."  I'm going to miss this therapist.

4.  I finally have an appointment for my tattoo!  YAY!  Next tuesday at 12 noon!!  Woot!  Who wants to come with me?  songquake could I convince you?

5.  The visit with Mom went extremely well.  Wicked was AMAZING and totally femmeslashy between Elphaba and Glinda (or GA-linda).  I was enthralled with the whole thing and the performances were, as expected, spectacular.  We went to the art institute and had lots of fun hanging out around the city.  We also watched Kill Bill and I Heart Huckabees because mom had never seen them.  All in all, a great visit!

6.  OH damn, the cramps are returning.  *shakes fist at reproductive system*

7.  I have so much to do, and no motivation.  My room is a mess, I have a ton of bills and work to do.  I need some kind of motivation.

OK, that's enough of the numbered list.  I'm going to go suffer and then try to work on the work.

1. YOUR SPY NAME: (middle name and current street name)
Jacob Woodlawn

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (grandfather/grandmother on your dad's side, your favorite candy)
Edward Reeses

3. YOUR RAP NAME (first initial of first name, first three or four letters of your last name)
A MCco

4. YOUR GAMER TAG: (a favorite color, a favorite animal)
Purple Gorilla

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Jacob Euclid

6.YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, last 3 letters of mother's maiden name, first 3 letters of your pet's name)
MCcnie Zek

7. JEDI NAME: (middle name spelled backwards, your mom's maiden name spelled backwards)
Bocaj Einram

8. SUPERHERO NAME: ("The", your favorite color, the automobile your dad drives)
The Purple Pontiac

9. PORNO NAME: (First Pet's name, First street you lived on)
Squeekers 324th (no fun when you live on a numbered street...how about Squeekers Vine {street close to me})

10. YOUR ACTION HERO NAME: (first name of the main character in the last film you watched, last food you ate)
Albert Haagen-Dazs (Van Daam eat your heart out)

Hello all!

The visit is going really well so far.

Mom and I have talked about the trans thing (had a LONG conversation last night), went on a tour of the campus, had Ribs 'n' Bibs last night for dinner.

Tonight we're going to see Wicked *squee* and then tommorow we're going to the art museum.

She's even letting me take a nap this afternoon while she goes and explores Hyde Park on her own.  How cool is that?


YAY!

I don't know how much I'll get to before my ambien kicks in and I have to go to sleep.

#1.  Just got back from the Simpsons movie.  It was quite thoroughly entertaining.  AND we went to the movie theater down at 87th and Michigan or so (which will only mean something to the Chicagoans).  The movie theater was awesome and cheap because they had student tickets for $7.50!!!  Plus the guys who founded this and three other theaters on the South Side did so with the intention of bringing movie theaters to the inner city...which is a good cause.

#2.  I'm finally getting my tattoo. Yes after talking about it for years I'm going to be getting the Chartres Labyrinthon the ball of my right calf.  I'm going to this place called Deluxe Tattoos (www.deluxetattoo.com) which is really cool and has some amazing artists.  I don't have my appointment yet because the artist doing my tattoo called during the movie, but I'll tell you when it's happening.  To those in town:  I definitely wouldn't mind some moral support if you would like to join me at the tattoo shop.  Depending on the time of day Elena won't be able to be there.

#3.  I had some crazy vivid, wonderful and deep dreams last night.  When I'm not so sleepy I will try to tell you about them.

#4.  I am finally almost done with Harry Potter.  I have found it to be an honestly poorly written book with a boring and repititious plot (actionactionactionDEATHemoemoemoactionactionactionDEATH...later rinse repeat).  And Rowling's prose is quite a thing of wank sometimes. 

#5.  I am housing mine and Elena's cat, Ezekial Ivins McCormack-Jimenez of Galveston, TX, for the week while Elena sorts things out with her landlord.

#6.  I had a thoroughly amusing passing moment this evening at the movie.  I had to go to the bathroom and there's a janitor guy outside the restrooms.  I go toward the women's (because I wasn't binding) and he says "Hey, you go in that one.  Pointing toward the men's.  THEN he follows me into the men's going "Hey wait there, wait wait up.  I say "What?" He looks me up and down and says "nothing, nevermind." 

Can I just say:  OMG tonight I passed while not binding to someone who literally looked at my body directly and specifically for like a full 30 seconds!  I am the king of the fucking tranny world!

Alright, Ambien kicking in...must sleep now.